The 3 Worst Chinese Tortures

Hola. Que tal, hombres? I am wrapping up the first full week of the 2nd term. Happy happy joy joy! I got a chance to talk a lot this week in class! One funny episode was being late to the Operations Finance class. The punishment is to sing or to tell a joke. I cannot sing for the life of me! So I opted for the joke instead BUT I couldn't really think of one at the moment so I begged to tell one the next class. Luckily our professor Heinrich von Leichenstein let me tell it the next day. I rememberd this one joke I had heard awhile ago but I wasn't sure if it was suitable for class. I would be the first one to tell a joke in class and so there weren't any precedents. I asked a few people their opinions and it was split: some thought it was funny and that I should tell it and others thought no way, to not tell it. In the end, I forged ahead. Tell me, what do you think?

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long Grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body.
She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest. "Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

I was a bit embarrassed saying 'testicle' and 'night of passion' in front of 70-some people but it was all in good fun. One thing you might not know is that my school has this underlying connection with Opus Dei, a very conservative sect of the Catholic faith that was mentioned in the "Da Vinci Code". I think my profesor is OD and he did not laugh at all. I asked him later if my joke was OK and he replied, "It could have been better" without a trace of a smile. Ouch!

I got to ride a moto (scooter) last weekend! That was fun! As some of you know, I've had a minor ATV "incident" with a small, small, minuscle twig of a tree and so was a bit hesitant about getting on a motorized vehicle again. My friend Anil had the patience to show me the ropes on his moto. What a sweetie! I even got to ride it with him on the back IN TRAFFIC! Scary but exhilerating!

I also decided to go on the annual IESE Ski Trip in Andorra. For those of you that are unawares (as I was), Andorra is a tiny country on the border of Spain and France. I'm looking forward to skiing in Europe for the first time and being in Andorra for the first time. I love experiencing new things!

It's All Polish to Me

"Tak" is the only Polish that I can remember from last weekend's trip to Poland visiting Lisa. It means "Yes". I swear it is one of the few Polish words less than 15 letters and aren't comprised all of consonants! I had a great time in Poland despite the freezing temperatures that reminded me of Chicago. It was toes and fingers growing numb cold! I understand now why there are so many Polish people in Chicago -- it's because it has the same climate as Chicago! Right now it's about 0 degrees Farenheit as a HIGH and -9 degrees F as a low. Pobre Lisa!

I am thankful to be back in Barcelona as temperatures this past week have been BEAUTIFUL - a high of 60 degrees during the day! Yay! I've fulfilled my goal to miss a Chicago winter. Back to Poland for a moment and some briefings of the weekend:

• Two of my good IESE girlfriends also from Chicago, Lindy and Kathy, came along for the ride. Kathy is Polish and so that helped a lot when we were in the restaurants and in the cab. Lisa's grasp of Polish numbers and knowledge of how to get around is also to be commended!
• Restaurants are fantastic: It's the middle of January and they STILL have their Christmas decorations up! It's great because it creates a very homey feel. The service is outstanding. Maybe because not a lot of people are out because of the extreme cold? Eating pierogies, dumplings, duck breast, and mushroom soup was a delectible delight! One of our business ideas is to open up a Polish fast food restaurant in Barcelona!
• Polish people are nice but can be rude at times! Lisa orders her second Mandarin Orange cosmo but the waitress says "You can't order that." Lisa responds "Yes, I can." Then the waitress rolled her eyes in disgust and wrote down the order. Two older gentleman sitting behind us and one of them says to us "Can we buy you a drink?" and we say "Sure", gives him our drink orders, say "Thanks" and then go back to our conversation. A few minutes later the men get up and puts on their jackets. I'm thinking, oh good they are going to order our drinks as they leave. I was mistaken -- they just left! No drinks! Guess they were waiting for an invite to our table...Hah! Fat chance!
• Polish women are HOT and the men not as much.
• We meet a group of Spanish men at a lounge/club. Ironic! Too bad they were from Madrid.
• Lisa's apartment: AMAZING! All modern, a spacious bathroom, and very nicely decorated.
• Warsaw is a beautiful city - cobble stones, beautiful architecture, very spread out and lots of space which I can appreciate because Barcelona is pretty cramped in comparison. And one other thing:
• It is too damn COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heaven Found in Barcelona

Lucky for you I didn't post very much before because I would have complained incessantly about getting fat and not exercising but not doing ANYTHING about it...or at least, very little about it. Therefore, THIS term I decided to do something about it and actually join the gym. As you know I am a bit self indulgent and reckless when it comes to spending. It makes sense that as a student, I ended up joining a gym nicer than any gym I joined in the States when I HAD a job.

Heaven in Barcelona is the "Metropolitan Club". Picture W Hotel-like decor, the RAIN showerheads, 2 jacuzzis, wet/dry saunas, and a small pool complete with faucets that you can turn on and water spits out on you and 3 lounge chairs IN the pool. There is an area that ice just spews out into a big pile. To rinse off from soaking in the pool/sauna/jacuzzi, there are 4 different showers. 1 has water that pours in a bucket suspended above you and when you pull the handle, the water dumps on you. THEN this other shower, reminiscent of Jae and now Christine's condo, has THREE rows of 6 nozzles placed in a semi-circle that jets out water. The water crisscrosses and you just so happen to be standing in the middle of it. You press the button of this shower, and first water juts out at the bottom row, then the middle row, and then the top row....for the finale, there is a RAIN showerhead that splashes water down on you! And it repeats!

I initially did a tour with a couple of friends and they laughed at how I excited I was about the RAIN shower and the flat screen TVs. I know some of you would not be surprised. When all you know is your apartment and school most of the time, you'll understand how desperately I needed an escape....and a good one at that. It's a great 15 minute run from my apartment down the giant hill that Barcelona is on...a good warm up to begin working out. The other day, I read a book UNRELATED to school in the jacuzzzi and it was fantastic. After I took a RAIN shower, I never felt so relaxed. I joked to my roommates that I am doing all my shower in this little piece of heaven...In fact, I should stop paying rent and just live at the gym!

Click on the link below to check out some pictures from my new 3rd home in Barcelona!
http://www.clubmetropolitan.net/club_balmes.html

My Mother the Diva and the Magic Carpet Ride

As you may have read earlier since I know this Blogger has captured your attention so rivetingly, I spent 4 glorious days with my parents in Las Vegas during the holidays. Yes, no brother and no friends. Just Chica Chan and her parents. So I don't have any wild stories (e.g. African Drums) but I have stuff to tell anyway.

I have this inner feeling that my parents are narcisstic, especially my mother. These people are obsessed with cameras. They feel the need to pose perfectly for every Kodak like moment. We used to send out Chan family pictures with a standard holiday greeting such as "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Chans!". Of course, these pictures were of us during a vacation trip. I can't complain because when I was a kid, we used to go somewhere every August. My favorites include: Chans in front of the Golden Gate Bridge, Chans in front of Big Ben in London, Chans in New Orleans, and Chans at DisneyWorld. It's crazy but I think we went on vacations merely to have a new backdrop for the annual holiday picture to send out.

Well, the reason why I think we went to Vegas was that my mother had seen this DVD of her younger sister and husband act in this "Magic Carpet Ride" film that they made in Vegas. It's kinda funny - Elvis music in the background. They start off paying for this magic carpet ride, get on, and then they are 'flying' all over Vegas -- my uncle takes off the bra of a stripper; they punch one of those Hispanic guys passing out cards advertising prostitutes to your room; they breeze through a casino and get a bag of money. It's hilarious -- done on a green screen sort of thing. I know it had planted the seed for my mom to want to go to Vegas. It's happened before. My dad had gone to New Orleans for business and gotten his portrait done. My mom was impressed and the next thing you know, the Chans are in their Chevrolet Nova driving 2 days to get to New Orleans and...yes, the rest of us get their portraits drawn.

The funny thing was my mom primping in the hotel room before going to this place in Aladdin The Dessert Passage. She even asked me to fix her hair! For this silly video clip! Then we get to this place and the Indian guy was trying his hardest to get ME to be part of this film. Uh, no thanks! I'm like, waaaaaaaaaayyy too COOOOOL for that! Part of why my aunt's film was so funny is because the two of them get into it and they're having fun. My mom, bless her heart, was so stiff, you've never seen anyone so stiff before flying on a magic carpet through Vegas.

So afterwards they watch the 'playback' and my mom is unhappy. She wants to do ANOTHER take because she doesn't like how she looks and my dad said they didn't know what to expect. They do another take but it isn't much better except my mom switched to her glasses. OH jeez, lordy. Now the p's can't decide - #1 or #2. People! It doesn't make a damn difference!

My mom, the Diva, doesn't like any of it and blames the Indian dude for poor direction. Can you understand how family can drive one insane?? Later on at a dinner, Mom and I get into a row, I blow up at her, and we're not speaking for a good 12 hours or so. Poor Dad has to put up with 2 on-edge women!

For 3 solid days, all we do is walk through the new casinos, eat, and watch shows. We decide to watch "Jubilee" at the Flamingo. I thought it would be cool to see a typical Vegas showgirl show. Except, I didn't know it would be topless! Uhhh...It was a bit weird seeing an X rated show with Mom and Dad. No wonder the tickets were so expensive!

My TWO saving graces were the spa (would work out every morning and soak in the jacuzzi) and was seeing the Sagers. I'm so glad Sara's parents live in Vegas so that I could escape from the p's!! Although I hadn't seen my parents in months, 4 solid days of being together was a little bit too much! At the end, it was good to spend the time bonding as "The Chans in Viva Las Vegas!".

The Insomniac Post

I am in Barcelona again after a 2 week trip back to the grand U.S. of A. It was really nice being at home, relaxing, and being a bum. Student life was really hectic before the point of being on the plane - I had been crazy studying for the 3 days of finals. Then Wednesday I had my last final; then had to pack; then lug my big ole suitcase to the Christmas Ball. Drank and danced the night away with all the other happy students; scurried to find a taxi at 3a.m. and then finally reached the airport to catch the 7a.m. flight to Chicago.

Things other than family and friends that I missed in the States:
1. My car - as I resort to public transportation in Barcelona (which I had previously rebuked)
2. Peanut Butter - Spaniards love chocolate but have not discovered the delights of PB and jelly nor PB and milk chocolate
3. FOOD! - I've explained that tapas at Cafe Iberico or Cafe Babareeba just is not the same as tapas here. The food is incredibly plain! It also does not have the variety or the quality that I am used to in Chicago. So I gorged on Asian food as much as I could.
4. American Football - I like to play football (a.k.a. soccer to Americans) but I fall asleep watching it on TV. On the other hand, I LOVE to watch American football especially when the Chicago Bears ROCK! If they make it to the SuperBowl, there is no stopping me from watching it!
5. March Madness - I look forward to joining pools and intently watching real-time Internet updated scores to see if Xavier had beaten Hampton and other obscure schools' results. And of course, I most enjoy watching when the Fighting Illini are kicking ass! C'mon...chant with me...I-L-L...(then you go, I-N-I)...I-L-L...(again, I-N-I). How have the Europeans not discovered this awesomeness??
6. HEAT - Barcelona does have a milder climate. The highs are in the 50's and the lows in the 40's right now. Yes, not bad at all. One of my wishes in life has come true - to miss a Chicago winter. For having been born in the Midwest, I can't STAND the cold. Central heating is a bit lacking here and there is none in my apartment. I am freezing when I take a shower because the air is cold even though the water may be warm so I have to hover under the showerhead. Unbelieveable to my family, I take fast and quick ones to get it over with!
7. Dryers - They don't believe in dryers here! They hang dry their clothes which to me seems pretty ghetto but you know what? I'm actually getting used to it! Though I appreciated it when I was home. Zap! Dry clothes...So beautiful I almost shed a tear..

Struggling with jet lag the past few days, I go to bed around 6a.m. and have been waking up between 1 and 3 in the AFTERNOON! Eeeek! It's 4a.m. here and I can't go to sleep for the life of me! I hope to post more often now that I have Wi-Fi in the apartment - finally after 4 months (Service is #8)!! I have much more to write about - Barcelona, school, friends, holidays...stay tuned!

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