It's been awhile, dear Blog!

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I've neglected you for a long time. Lots have happened since my last post! The gist is that I have moved from my beloved Barcelona to one of the most exciting cities in the world, New York City! It's been tough, transitioning. I mourned my old life in Barcelona - what a fantastic city! I missed schlepping around on my moto in the gorgeous weather. I missed the beach. I missed the nightlife. I missed the good friends I made there. It's nice knowing that it's a city where I'll always feel at home with, where I know how to get around, where I have good friends ...much like Chicago...and now, NYC!

I've been through a lot this past month, emotionally. Have you ever been through a time where it seemed like everything in various sectors in life were just going ape sh*t? Anything that could possibly go wrong was going wrong for me. I've had a hard time dealing but I am so thankful that I have an awesome support network of family and fantastic friends. The saying goes that it takes a village to raise a child but the same goes for the rest of life!

You know what also has been really helpful? Writing in a journal. It has helped tremendously! It is the super cheap alternative to going to a therapist. I have been writing frantically in it. The other day, I wrote in it for an hour! The moleskine, pocket size version rocks! Yoga also has helped the last few months. I recently have been getting into it & I lurve it!!

It's tough being out in this real world again, trying to find my path in life. Everything seemed so much more structured before. I definitely took it for granted! It seemed too easy to have a job and to be settled in a city. Now, I don't know where I belong and I'm struggling to even get an interview in the field I want to work in. It's taking me a lot of faith to find the strength to not just give it all up, admit defeat, go back to Chicago and take some IT consulting job. Who knows? This might happen anyway!

I feel bad for the people that have been in my company the last month. Although I was physically there, my thoughts were a million miles away. I hated that. Not really enjoying myself around people or the places I was in.

It's nice to know that humans are resilient. I went home to Chicago a few weekends ago and that was great to immerse myself in the love of family and good friends. It's so great to be greeted with a big smile and hug. So genuine. It really lifted my spirits! So, thank you for that to the people I did get to see!

Finally, after all the traveling and emotional turmoil, my body protested. The past month, I've been to Barcelona, Amsterdam, Chicago, and Boston...all with delays or early morning flights. Ugh. I even got sick a couple of times last weekend in Boston. I was a real liability; a complete disaster (special thanks to Mia & Rose for taking care of me!)! I'm sticking here for awhile. No traveling until Thanksgiving!

I took the day off yesterday and it was just for me, me, me (as I hug myself). I rested, I ran errands, and I relaxed. I caught up on 'The Bachelor'. I went for a jog thru Central Park. I had a long, good conversation with a friend in Colombia ;)

As a result, today I feel the best that I have in awhile. The first good day in what seems,...AGES!! I had felt so broken, mentally and emotionally. It was a time where I truly felt all of my 30 years on this planet. I hope, and pray, that I can keep those feelings at bay. And I think, reaching out to my trusty, reliable blog is also a good sign that things are better.

=)

The Calm Before the Storm

It's been very very quiet the past week. The sun finally came out! I won't share too many of the details of going to the beach, playing golf and tennis on the hill, going to parties on terraces, attending dinner parties, and...playing Wii (the new Nintendo console) fanatically. The idea of not having a job doesn't seem so bad anymore :) You can be so busy doing nothing!!! I've also been catching up on doctor's appointments, meeting with my intercambio, shopping, and other stuff. It's great! I had thought that with the month of April off I would want to do all this traveling. As I've stayed in Barcelona hanging out with only going away on a 4-day trip, it really is nice to just be....The only problem is that I stay up late and can't get up before 11:30AM most of the time. This idea of just hanging out has been wonderful, especially knowing that I will be travelling for 3 weeks straight soon.

Quick reviews
Movies: 'Notes of a Scandal' - creepy thriller with great acting from Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett. Just saw 'Little Miss Sunshine' which really warmed the heart. I completely guffawed out loud at certain parts.
Book: 'Time Traveller's Wife' - so glad I finished this one that I started last year. I cried at the end because it was just so sweet! Clever writing to make this book work. And really nice descriptions of Chicago...Home Sweet Home! And now on to 'The End of Poverty - Economic Possibilities of Our Time' by Jeffrey Sachs. Should be good!
TV: Finished the 5th season of '24'. Sooooo good!!! I'm upset that I can't see the new episodes over here! I really idolize Kiefer/Jack. He is so mental it's awesome. Gotta also love Chloe. I spotted her in 'Little Miss Sunshine', acting as an assistant for a Beauty Pageant show....a far cry from saving the U.S. from terrorists at CTU!! How lame!!!

Mama and Papa Chan to arrive on Thursday! Whoo hoo!

Besos

Happy Easter Musings

I'm back from my trip up North. Thumbs up for San Sebastian (beautiful) and Bilbao (surprisingly cute)! Great food, cool sites, and great shopping! The Guggenheim in Bilbao - AWESOME! Amazing piece of architecture. Definitely worth seeing. Also saw some religious processions with people dressed up and wearing hoods a la that organization that has several K's in it. (shudder) I learned that the hooded thing is only a Spanish thing. Must remember to google what's up with the hoods and the connection to aforementioned organization. It was interesting because I thought it was only a practice in the South.

The weather was pretty mal - cold and rainy. Brrrrr! I was pretty wiped out by the time I got back. Good thing today was absolutely beautiful in Barcelona. Sunny and gorgeous. We've been lacking the sun for awhile surprising. The few days before I left for the trip I was virtually house-bound because of the endless rain and cold. I hope some suffering will lead to a payoff of excellent weather for the next month! I've been spoiled by the weather in Barcelona!

American Food!
It was a slice of Americana today. I hit a great brunch place called Milk in El Born. I had yummy salmon eggs benedict. I had been craving the typical American brunch ever since I arrived and finally I found it! Things you never know you'll miss when you're away! We took a brilliant walk to the beach and sat out in the sun in a 'chiringuito' (little bar on the beach) and drank pitchers of sangria. Afterwards, we were craving some Tex Mex and had a wonderous meal at Rosa Negra in El Barrio Gotic. I had fantastic guacamole, nachos, and beef tacos. I then downed it with a margarita and a delicious brownie with walnuts. I truly indulged.

Unfinished Business
It's been nice getting stuff done that I never had time to do. Like going to the allergist. I discovered finally the mystery of all my terrible sneezing. Apparently I'm allergic to dust. I think there's gotta be more to it than dust. I did a blood test so hopefully I'll find out more. It's funny how I just never went to one when I've been suffering with allergies for so long.

I finally finished 'The Life of Pi'. I had borrowed it from Pauline before the MBA but only got to read 1/2 of it before I returned it. I picked it up during the Christmas Break and decided to start from the beginning...but only managed to read 1/2 of it again before the term started. Last week, I started from where I left off. Incredible. It was a bit difficult to get started and get into it. However, I'm so glad I stuck with it and finished it. Loved the ending. Double thumbs up. Now, I'm onto another book that I started but never finished - 'The Time Traveller's Wife'. It's cool that it's set in Chicago which I love reading about.

Self-reflection
It's good to get criticism about yourself. I tend to shy away from it. I hate getting feedback from managers. I'm going to think about that in my time off - am I being the best daughter I can be? the best sister? the best friend I can be to my friends? Do I promise things without following through? It's hard to think objectively about one self. I wonder - do I truly give as much as I can to friends and family?

Stick a fork in me! I'm DONE!

Friday afternoon at 5PM. Click! I just submitted my Globalization Strategy take home final. I was done! After a year and a half of pure go, go, go...I was done. Just like that! So anticlimatic. It was a strange feeling. I was used to this feeling of being overwhelmed with tons of shit that I had to get done or do, parties to go to, practices to attend, or meetings to run to. Now what do I do?

Even up to Friday I had a lot on my mind. Wednesday we had a graduation party at this club Sutton. I drank as much as I could to account for a 45 euro fee as it was a private party just for IESE. I dragged my sorry butt to bed at 4AM and had to get up 4 hours later to give a presentation in my Emerging Economies class on the country of Cameroon. Then, I had to stick around for a Responsible Business Club meeting in which we had the dean from Dalhousie University give a presentation on his perspectives on BOP, a.k.a. Bottom of the Pyramid strategies. I was so tempted to skip out on the lunch with him and a bunch of Ph.D. students afterwards because I was insanely tired and hungover but I stuck it out. Lately I have been in the networking mode. It turned out to be good as I gained two more contacts that could potentially help me out with their contacts. Finding a job is real work - I've been applying to as many positions as possible and networking as much as possible. I feel like I've been sending many, many emails out - only to have a few responses trickle back in and they all have been rejections. Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyway, I high tailed it out of school after lunch, which was at 4PM in true Spanish style. I was suppose to go to the annual IESE play and a Women in Business event but just could not do it! I instead took a 2 hour nap and it took all of the evening to read the case for my Global take home exam. I woke up at 6:30AM or so to study for my Emerging Economies test which was futile because I hardly read any of the cases and missed a bunch of classes. The class is super interesting but just because it is on Thursdays and Fridays at 8:15AM it was impossible to prepare for and attend. I took the exam which wasn't too bad. Then I had my last class of the MBA - The Art of Diplomacy with Brian Leggett, a fabulously laid back Irishman who is one of the old guards that have seen and done everything and takes life with a grain of salt. It was one class I was really glad I took. I'm deathly afraid of public speaking and so was resistant to the class. In the end, I got through 2 speeches and got some good feedback on it so I know what I have to work on in the future. I had lunch with a 1st year student who has contacts in development so hopefully he can help me out. In the afternoon, I worked on my Global exam.

During the day, I had a phone conversation with family in the states. If you remember, before the MBA I had doubts about leaving home to go across the Atlantic Ocean and move to Spain because of some personal issues. I was stressed out and distraught. Now, one and half years later and a MBA (pending any surprises) in hand,.....the phone conversation was AMAZING - as amazing as one could hope for. I was so happy. That despite me being gone, the situation has vastly improved and is totally on the right track. Life is cool that way - things that you are so worried about turn out even better than expected!

Afterwards, I went home and chilled out and got ready for a birthday party. It was at this flat with an fabulous rooftop terrace. It was freezing that night. The weather really hasn't been accommodating lately. Anyway, I hadn't been on that terrace or the flat since a party way at the beginning of the year. Life comes full circle. We went to Sutton (my 4th time in a week) and I partied my ass off and closed it down at 6AM. I recovered last night by sleeping nearly 13 hours. Hmmm maybe I was recovering from a year and half of pure madness.

Now, it's all about reflection on this MBA experience and it's been great. I'm excited that now I can pick up a book and read something that isn't a case or a technical note. It's so surreal that I am really done!!! I'm in total shock still. So now is the time I must really focus on finding a great job.

It is la semana santa - the week before Easter in which most people have off in Spain. I will be flying to Bilbao in the north of Spain, the Basque Country, on Wednesday and driving to San Sebastien where it is suppose to be absolutely beautiful and has some of the BEST, yummy food! Can't wait! But first, GAP class tomorrow to burn off some calories before I take in a whole bunch!

Crap! What was the name of that cafe we would go to all the time?!

A realization, an epiphany, if you will, came to me today. I have never experienced this before - not knowing what I'll do next while not having or doing something already. As I was graduating from U of I, I already had the job at Accenture lined up, then after 5 years, I started Kingsway America right after quitting Accenture, and then I knew I was going to IESE. I guess it's not so uncommon to take a break, to take the time to figure out what you really want to do next and hold out for something really good. And many of us have done that already - for example, Haoy Maoy during the really good card playing days when we would go to...crap! what was the name of that cafe we would go to all the time!? I'm really losing it now. And then we would continue playing at Irim's after it closed. Those were the days - I was unstaffed for that crazy long period of 5 months living at Sameer's place, Haoy Maoy bartending, Kamen bartending, and Irim doing her usual thing.

So I won't freak out too much just yet. I still have time. I have money. I have a flat until mid-July. I WILL find something suitable for me!!!

Stress

How I sleep is a sure sign of whether or not I'm stressed. When I am nervous or anxious about something, I usually have a hard time sleeping, tossing and turning. It's usually the night before the first day of class or the night before the start of a new job or the night before finals. Now what does it mean if you sleep too much? Over the weekend I slept a good deal for me - I took a nap for 3 hours on Friday (yes, I partied and danced my ass off the night before at the BOW and woke up for my 8:15 and 9:45AM classes and had a delightful lunch outside in the sunny chiliness with a glass of wine) and then stayed in and slept 9 hours. Great sleep! Then Satuday night I saw an Irish classmate's cousin's band but instead of opting for more dancing and drinking on St. Paddy's Day (!) I missed the party van and headed home to get more sleep!

During the day I was busy getting in touch with contacts and looking for jobs. It was beautiful out but I cooped myself inside. On Sunday, I decided to meet a couple friends to watch 'The Departed' (which I really liked! I discovered that it's loosely based on a Hong Kong movie trilogy which I really liked!) and have some tapas and drinks. I didn't realize how stressed and freaked out I was that I have 2 more weeks of school left. It was a bit overwhelming that this wonderful MBA world was coming to an end. I'm not ready for it!!! After chatting to them about my life's anxieties as it helped that it was an IESE employee and school teacher I was with, I felt a lot better.

Two weeks to go and I have to...go to all my remaining classes (its so difficult to even sit through classes nowadays), finish my last speeches, exams, and group assignments, plan a 2 week trip with my parents to Paris and Italy (although it'll be great to see my folks, it's also a high source of stress if anyone read my Magic Carpet Ride entry from last year), plan a weekend trip in April, apply apply apply for jobs, talk to as many people as possible, plan for a trip when Jenny is visiting (whoo hoo!), plan to go to the MBA Olympics in Paris,...well, I guess I have '24' and sleep for avoidance of reality...

I'm trying to get in awesome shape so if I have to be completely clueless about life, I can at least look good. There's this awesome class that I've been obsessed with going to - G.A.P. which stands for "gluteos, abdominales, y piernas" or a.k.a. "butt, abs, and legs". These are usually the problem areas for women and I am no exception! My butt is killing me as I sit here writing!!!!....and at 1AM I am still up........hmmmmmmm.........

Peter Pan

I was reprimanded the other day. Rosa is an IESE alumn who works for one of the professors at school. She asked me if I had a job. I meekly replied that I didn't have one. "WHAT?! How can that be possible?!" she exclaimed. I told her that since January I applied to 3 positions and that it was difficult to find positions I am interested in. She shook her head, "No no no!! I am working in something very specific so it's more difficult for me. You should have a lot more options than I have!" She went on and on for a bit. I wanted to yell back at her and say, "Listen, lady! I know, I know! I'm a grown woman! I just haven't had the time or the focus because I had visitors, I've been travelling, the Doing Good Doing Well conference, Spring Fling....". I was about to say this when she said, "You are Peter Pan! You are a kid! You just don't want to grow up!"

Shit! I was dumbstruck! She was right! I did want to stay in my little bubble of a world. Don't get me wrong - I am definitely done with taking classes but I also didn't want to get a job. It was probably the fear of trying to figure out what I really want to do in life and where I wanted to move to and the thought of starting over again in a new city and not knowing many people. It is a clear sign of Procrastination 101 due to fear of the unknown. It was the kick in the ass that I really needed.

Friday - I cranked out 3 applications and last night I sent off 3 more. Let's hope I'll hear back from some of them!!! Although I want to stay in Europe, I realized that I can't limit myself and so I've also been applying to positions in the U.S. - mostly in California and one in New York. There was 1 or 2 jobs that look interesting in Chicago but I don't think I can bring myself to apply to them yet. No offense to Chicago because you know I LURVE Chicago but I've realized that there is something in my personality that gets bored easily and am always excited about new things and exploring. I guess I really am a little kid!! Just call me Peter Pan ;)